I have the right to be happy

For a week  I felt haunted. There was a presence. I could not see it, hear it or touch it. Only sense it.
The week after, the haunting continued. It bit me, scratched me, taunted me, screamed at me, made me feel dizzy, confused and far away from my dear comfort zone. And it kept on doing so.
It lasted for 15 weeks, up until today. The Post On The Blog. Coming this spring.

by Aiste Janciauskaite

Least to say, I am proud of what I gained, learned, achieved, discovered or - to put it simply - experienced over this time. Seems brief, doesn't it? Well then, let's keep it brief.

I met so many new people, mostly from around Poland, but also from around the world.
I worked on relationships I already established, both the older and the newer ones.
I started an unpaid internship that became my paid job and I might find new ones soon.
I am more fit than ever, thanks to some small habits I developed.
I passed and failed exams, some of them more, some of them less important.
I finished writing my thesis and it will be printed next week.
I traveled to places I have visited before, but this time with a completely different mindset.
I started learning Swedish and continued learning Spanish.
I am about to finish the first book since last year, that I am reading for my own pleasure.
I heard "I love you" back in different languages. From the same person.

When I think of the time that passed since my last entry, I can truly say that now I am happy.

There are a lot of "I's" in this post so far, right? That is what you get when your self-esteem is so high it could ride on mutant unicorn-elephants on the fields of caramel lava. It feels ridiculous. This is why I am waiting for the punch in the face. For the kick in the balls. For something that will put me down. Can't wait to see that day.

Because this article might seem like another self-appraising, bragging nonsense you probably watch, hear or read about everyday. This is exactly it. With one tiny twist to the plot. It was hard for me to get here. I did not know what I was doing or where am I going. I did not even set myself to be happy in the first place.

I started in Spain. One day, while going for a jog. It began with admitting to myself, out of nowhere, with only one sentce.

"I have the right to be happy".

No "I must's" or "I need's", no "I deserve's", "I should's", "I will's" nor there were any "I can's". I stopped worrying about whether or not I must, need, deserve, should will or can be happy. I left it all to something or someone else. You name it: destiny, God, gods, karma, Flying Spaghetti Monster. From now on, my happiness was none of my business.

I stopped caring about my happiness. And I wouldn't exchange that gift for anything else.

Slowly, things around me started to change. I started apreciating what and who I have, where I am and who I am, how I feel about myself and how I feel about other people around me, be that loved ones, friends, family or complete strangers. And it made me happy, only because I had the right to do so.

It was at that point that I realized what a great life I have. Sure, there were plenty of bumps on the road. But guess what? I kept on repeating to myself "I have the right to be happy". Boring? Check. Repetitive? Check. Rewarding? Oh God, Check.

This is what I was up to since the last week that was 15 weeks ago. Getting closer to those little everyday victories, one after another. And there are still more waiting ahead.

Snow Patrol

It's good to be back!

I was missing Poland more than I thought. At the same time, I am missing Spain more than I expected. Fortunately, I do have some time to be spent for adaptation to the new circumstances. For now, I am doing whatever it takes to do exactly that.

Slowly but surely I am getting the hang of Poland. I already catched up with most of my family members (so crazy to meet all 6 of them: mom, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin), I also visited my beloved Łódź twice and met with many of the most important people in my life. Add to it some best friends in Radomsko and... Yep. That would be all.

No, that's not all. 

There came a time when I realized just how... not enough people I've gotten to know. I like being surrounded by new faces. Time to put into motion a plan I conceived to make it my reality, but Ifelt too unprepared to go through with it. For now, I shall keep the execution details to myself. I will reveal them next month, along with how did it went. Wish me luck, cause it will be something I never tried.

However, I do get a feeling I will be able to meet some valuable people out there.

See you next week, if you want to find out a little bit more about motivation to move yourself away from where you are or towards your dream. Be warned, because the idea of movement might make it sound similar, but those are very different processes. 

Future is brighter than ever

The Day has come. Everything is set, packed, ready and done. What else can I say?

Can I say I enjoyed staying in Vic? Yes, I can.
Can I say I met wonderful people here? Yes, I can.
Can I say I traveled a lot? Yes, I can.
Can I say I did everything I came here for? Yes, I can.
Can I say I challenged myself everyday? Yes, I can.

This stay taught me how little control I have over my life and how much control I can have if I commit myself to reach out for it.

Because this is what my Erasmus was all about -fully  enjoying the short time, meeting great people, traveling and exploring, accomplishing my goals and do everything that is in my power to tackle whatever was coming in my direction. Those 4 months were the most educating part of my life. I got to experience things I thought I will need to pospone until the unspecifed future. A bit like mañana.

I am leaving my house in about 30 minutes. At 7 I will be back in Poland. And at night I will be back home. What will come next? Actually, nothing fancy for now. Studying for exams in Poland, filling out the paperwork after coming back, meeting and catching up with friend back in Radomsko and Łódź, looking for a job, finishing my thesis. All of it will have a simple purpose - to excel. To overcome my limitations. To become better. To be happy.

This is not the end of this blog, though. Oh no. You see, there is this list I created a while ago. I still have quite a number of things I want to cross out. This blog will accompany me during my future endeavours. And I hope so will You.

For now, see you next time!

2015? Bring it on!

Today's the New Year. That means lots of reflections, but also a great deal of learning and planning, before I decide what I want to do next. I've actually given this a lot of thinking before writing this. Here goes nothing.

If someone would ask a year ago, how would my year look like, I'd say that I dedicated it to fulfillment - the feeling of become someone better. I would do that by  raising my self-esteem, developing my competence as a future psychologist, finding someone to love and traveling as much as possible, to feel happiness. I think I got there.

A year ago I did not think I will think high of myself. I've been experiencing anxiety and panic attacks because of an assault I was a victim of in May of 2013, a near-death situation that landed me in a hospital. I felt weak. I was not confident at all about anything that I want to do about myself. I didn't really know where I want to go with my life. Today, I know what I can and even more importantly - what I cannot do. And this gives me great confidence.

A year ago I did not think that I will find love. That such a mess of a person as myself, going through panic attacks, overweight, without a job, without a dream for the future... deserves love. That there is nothing I can give to someone I would treasure. But I did find love. Twice at that. And even though I am not with any of those woman, I found out that I can be an important part of someone's life. That I matter.

A year ago I did not think I will be spending my New Year in Spain, after traveling to Spain before that, too. Also to go to Sweden, Denmark, Andorra and island of Tenerife. Hell, I thought that I would be grounded once more in Poland.

A year ago I did not think I will be happy. And today I am not only happy. I am filled with joy that comes from being grateful to the little gifts of everyday life, from being surrounded by people that are important to me and from having hope for a better future.

My last year I called Year of Fulfillment. Let's make this one Year of Recognition. I want to share what I learned about happiness during the course of my life with every person that wants to hear it. Be that because we just met or because they need a hand to get back on their feet.

I believe we do not pay too much attention to our inner merriness, the one that comes from within. From the pure satisfation of being alive, . From being able to say that we have people that love us and that we love back. And from knowing how much change we can bring to ourselves by ourselves, if we only give it a chance. The bliss of being able to dream and to have the strength to get to them.

We are born with a right to achieve whatever we want. Execute your right, dear Readers. Be happy in 2015.

And listen to this, because it's just crazy. Headphone users, sorry in advance ;).